Stillness of Seeds Blog

a mother's story: what changed the game for me

Uncategorized Nov 18, 2020

Someone asked me, "What makes the biggest difference for you as a mother?"

And today, my answer is simple. And I promise to share.

But there was a time, early in motherhood when our daughter wasn't yet walking and our son was mastering the terrible threes that I was spiraling HARD.

I had completely lost myself in the experience: the nursery rhymes, the arts and crafts, the homemade food, breastfeeding, the erratic sleep schedules, the whining, the demands, the diapers, peeing when I ran, the trap of it all. I had lost the traveller, the academic, the connector, the athlete, the inspired thinker, the robust leader; all of those dynamic personas and interests that I had invested love, energy, and resources into for decades were disappearing. And so was time.

I was criticizing myself fiercely for becoming invisible.

And when I wasn't feeling like a failure as a human, I was feeling like a failure as a mom.

Motherhood is challenging. It's hard. And it's relentless.

And I wouldn't...

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Frozen in Productivity

Uncategorized Nov 16, 2020

Sometimes I feel paralyzed in my work.

Despite two dozen or more sticky notes with ideas and checkboxes hibernating on my desk and climbing up the wall surrounding my workspace, despite the pages filled with possibilities, spilling into margins and wrapping themselves up the side of the page desperately recorded before they dripped out of my consciousness, despite this, sometimes I feel I don't know what to do next.

Life changes so quickly. Ideas evolve so quickly. I have been evolving so quickly.

I have been learning myself at an accelerated rate, lately.

An idea that was an exciting fit a month ago feels misguided or even immature compared to the idea that nudged me yesterday. Even though they are remarkably similar, they are different in essence, perspective, or focus.

Do I roll with yesterday's idea? Or do I wait for the new one coming tomorrow?

If there is one thing I am cemented in, it is knowing that a new idea will always come to me. That is how it works with me.

I...

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The evolution of chaos, triggers, and the brain's response

Uncategorized Nov 04, 2020

For some people, getting triggered is the gateway to an abrupt, disruptive, and sometimes debilitating emotional reaction. Something or someone presses one of our buttons, and we lose our cool causing us to either rage like a maniac, hide and lick our wounds, or freeze like a deer on a midnight mountain pass.

The common denominator of all these reactions is fear.

The common requirement after such a response is a time out: maybe three minutes, three hours, or three days until we come back into ourselves.

When I get triggered, it is usually because I feel fear for the loss of my security. If I do not catch myself before my watch-dog amygdala kicks back in full combat mode, I get swept away in anger, frustration, or discouragement. And then it is a process to recover to stasis where I can return to what I am committed to in life and who I desire to be.

Fear makes us vulnerable to behaving in ways that we don’t desire for ourselves. It takes us out of the game. But what is it, ...

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When "spiritual leaders" try to pull the wool over your eyes, discernment is key

Uncategorized Oct 23, 2020

I once paid a "spiritual leader" a lot of money for a lot of bullshit. It happens. We don't always know beforehand. We usually don't know until our energetic red flags come up, the hairs on the back of our neck start to stand up, and our ribcage collapses into protection mode. There are signs, and we sometimes talk ourselves out of them. 

This particular man was interesting to talk to, though after a while I realized he had the same conversation over and over. It got boring.

(Sign.)

The first red flag I had was during one of our first conversations. He tried to sell me on the argument that discernment and compassion were at odds with one another. He suggested that compassion should be shelved when discernment was called for, that they could not mutually exist. On that day, I argued that there is always room for compassion, that discernment and compassion can occur simultaneously. Further, in spiritual conversation, I believe compassion is always relevant and is constantly...

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The Mishandling of Humanity

Uncategorized Oct 14, 2020

I listen to things when I drive: mostly conversations, ideas, discussions on consciousness, universal law, loving yourself through all of it, and what is happening to humanity. That stuff.

Yesterday, I drove a lot. Not surprisingly, each of the discussions I listened to created a bigger, incredibly profound conversation that I have been mentally chewing on ever since.

The first was about the bees. These industrious, productive agents of harmony buzzing around, sustaining food and life for our planet, have a massive role. Bees are remarkably important.

But the bees don't know that.

There is no way for each individual bee to understand the enormous impact it has on the big picture. Each bee just goes about its business saving the world, flower by flower.

The difference between us and the bees is that we have consciousness, which allows us to understand, analyze, and choose our impact, and the bees do not.

While this super intelligent thought leader was sharing his discourse on the...

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The Ancestors Shared More than the Silverware

Uncategorized Oct 02, 2020

No person who feels valuable, worthy, important, and confident is going to try to make anyone feel inferior.

Those acts of competition, vying for power, one-upping others, condescension, dismissing, and making others' lives feel threatened or unsafe reveal how an individual feels about themselves.

And it is sad, because almost everyone we meet is suffering something.

All lives matter, it's true. And the movements and people supporting black lives matter, LGBTQ lives matter, first nations lives matter, women's lives matter (etc.) have not yet been able to convince the rest to accept equal human rights.

History...ANCESTRY...plays a big role, but perhaps not in the way we might think.

Ancestral wounds run deep. In black ancestral lines, Jewish ancestral lines, indigenous ancestral lines, and even white ancestral lines, there is evidence of deep suffering from unworthiness and self-loathing. One group's suffering is not deeper than the other in the sense that any sort of comparison of...

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Words are important

Uncategorized Sep 11, 2020

If our consciousness is founded in our language, and my discernment tells me this is so, then we can see why language and word assignment is so important. Language reflects our awareness and our agreements regarding the physical world and our experience within it. Our language and the words we use indicate our awareness, our level of consciousness.

I often hear people complain about political correctness and why words and expressions are always changing. People bitch about others being too sensitive and call them "snowflakes." That behaviour shows a low-level of consciousness, which is not bad; it just doesn't work if you desire to be an aware, awoke, spiritually activated person.

To be awoke is to understand the relationships between all living things. It is to understand that when our foundation is based in love, we experience harmony, and we experience ourselves as part of the Divine network, which we all are.

Our words bridge our perception and understanding of our physical,...

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Impress Yourself First

Uncategorized Sep 11, 2020

What would it take to impress you?

What would you have to do to impress yourself?

What would I have to do and who would I have to be to impress myself?

It occurred to me today that, throughout my life--this life and also past lives--I have consistently tried to prove myself and impress others. I was a people pleaser. It was a strong suit of mine. I have impressed people, and I know that certain influential people in my life were pleased that I was a pleaser.

I recently found an essay I wrote 17 years ago when I was in Engineering at university called Why I Want to Be an Engineer. The truth is, I don't want to be an engineer; I never did. But I thought I did.

"Growing up as the youngest in my family as well as being a woman, I feel that I have to work extra hard to prove myself to others. I want people to know that I am smart and that I am capable of achieving a distinction as high as being an engineer. With one document on the wall and a small ring on my finger, people will...

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My Weapon Is an Anchor

Uncategorized Sep 11, 2020

The spiritual path quickly becomes blocked when we allow in the fight. And it's so easy to get emotionally swept into the front line. But the answer is so much more powerful than engaging in the pieces that don't align with what we desire our world to look like.

There is so much going on in the world right now that is laden with struggle, suffering, and inequality. Black Lives Matter is an important movement that I feel deeply in support of. And in this fight for justice and equality, black people are still suffering and dying at the hand of blatant and entitled racism.

Politically, some jurisdictions seem to be manhandled by apparent tyrants making decisions that do not seem motivated by serving the people they are governing. My perception is that government was built to protect people. All people. This ideology does not seem to be shared by everyone, or should I say by every pocketbook. 

Conversely, I am in conversation with spiritual guides,...

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